My Step Brother Raped Me
My step brother was sick and asked my dad to send me to care for him and nurse him back to health. I dutifully ministered to him each day, taking care of his needs, feeding him, and treating his illness. He never seemed too sick when I saw him, but I was obedient to my dad’s request.
One day he became overly forward in demanding that I do for him some things which I did not deem appropriate. He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. He told me he knew it was wrong to want to marry a step sister, but he had to have me as his wife. One day as I nursed him and fed him, he became aggressive in wanting attention that was not appropriate between a brother and sister. I resisted but he grabbed me. He forced me into his bed and there he took advantage of me. I tried to fight him off, but he held me down on the bed and began to touch me very inappropriately. He then climbed on top of me and raped me.
I was so ashamed. I ran out of the room and hid. I could not go against my father’s request to care for my brother. I cried and cried. I was so ashamed I wanted to die. I wanted to run but I was not allowed to leave his house. Finally I went back into his room to give him a meal and he told me to leave. He said he never wanted to see me again. He called me terrible names. He treated me like I was worthless and told me to leave his house and to never come back.
I left and returned to my m other’s home. I was in tears and completely distraught. Mom held me and let me cry. She listened and slowly worked the story out of me. I felt so dirty and ashamed. My life was over and I wanted to die. I was of marriageable age and my life was over. I knew no man would ever seek my hand in marriage after what my step brother did to me.
I felt so dirty. It was like a covering of excrement was all over me. I could not wash it off. I washed myself, time and again but it would not leave my body. I was like a heavy blanket weighing me down and I had no way to take it off. It was an unbearable burden and it would not go away. I felt like I had died and I wished I had. Death would have been much more pleasant the ugliness and shame that covered my body and my life. For months I wanted to die.
Mom told my dad what had taken place. My dad did nothing. He never stood up for me. He never said a word to my step brother about what he did to me. Mom said he was very angry but dad never said a word to me. He did not ask what had happened. He never wanted to hear my story. He ignored me and treated me like I was worthless. My dad did not even care. It was as if nothing had ever happened. I was so afraid he would order me back to my step brother’s house. I had been violated
I kept having nightmares about what had happened to me. I could not stand for any man to look at me and I could not stand for any person to touch me. The torment never went away. A few months later my real brother asked me to come live with him. He told me I would be safe with him and that he would protect me from my step brother. I lived in his home for the rest of my life. I never married and I never had children. I became the soiled woman my rapist said I would become. I was alone, unloved, untouched, and destroyed by the shame of what my step brother did to me. I was isolated and tormented by my nightmares and memories of the event.
I hated my dad, because he did nothing. He treated me like I was worthless. I knew he did not even love me, because no real dad would have failed to stand up for me the way he did against my rapist. My dad is the greatest leader our country has ever known. He is honored and loved by the people, but I have come to be very angry with him. I cannot love a father who does not stand up for his daughter who has been raped. I cannot tolerate a dad who does not discipline and punish his son. I cannot honor a leader who does not protect his people especially his daughter. The worst part is the silence from my dad. He does not speak to me about what has taken place. I wish I had never been born.
The shame never went away. I relived it every day. How do you heal when you cannot stop hurting? There is no cure and there is no one I can talk to about my rape. I am too ashamed to talk to anyone about what happened. I am too hurt to even speak of this event. I do not want to remember it. I have done everything to keep from remembering it and it still will not go away. There is no hope for me. I can never be whole again. There is no one who can love me and I can never love myself.
Who am I? 2 Samuel 13 ©Copywrite 2018 by Tim Swick
