Turtalus ineffecti

Commonly known as the "Useless Turtle"

Usually found in the Senatorial areas of the DC Swamp, Turtalus ineffecti lives amongst tangled webs of legislative procedure while clinging tightly to the hardened roots of bureaucracy. It is here that it feels most comfortable knowing that it will never have to act boldly or show any signs of leadership.

This species is often studied by geneticists because of its peculiar evolutionary development. Due to its historic reluctance to ever stick out it's chin, Turtalus ineffecti has evolved without one. Further curiosities surround archeological evidence that Turtalus ineffecti may have once walked upright but evolved into its current form due to the lack of a backbone.

Known for its ability to delay, disrupt, or deter any changes to its precious environment, this Swamp Creature's diet consists mainly of a plant called Usslessium. Daily consumption of Usslessium is mildly intoxicating to Turtalus Ineffecti, putting it into a state of dulled euphoria that is scientifically known as Uselessness. Turtalus Ineffecti performs its best work in this state of Uselessness.

The Useless Turtle is easily identified by its muddy, dull, brownish color or by the sounds it emits during daily proclamations bemoaning why things cannot be accomplished. This easily distinguished but indiscernible warbling call is what zoologists refer to as Mumbling, and often contains words like "complicated "or "procedural".

Once every 6 years, Turtalus Ineffecti crawls out of the swamp and slowly migrates west to Kentucky. Here, it goes through a dramatic transformation. Molting its shell, the Useless Turtle changes color to a bright red and its mumbled calls grow in both volume and clarity. During this period that scientists refer to as re-election, the Turtalus Ineffecti will actually make bold proclamations concerning change and reform while exhibiting aggressive behavior that sometimes even resembles leadership. It is during this period that scientists believe the creature may actually attempt to reproduce. To date, however, no researcher has had the curiosity or courage to attempt to witness this event.

Once this period of re-election is over, the Useless Turtle changes back to its muddy dull brown color and crawls from Kentucky back into the D.C. swamp where it again begins its incessant Mumbling about why things cannot be done.

Buddy Walker
buddysays.net