Statutes for Statues

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Guidelines for Monuments in An Enlightened Age

As we continue the quest to destroy our nation’s history, dissolving our culture and forever changing who we are, I am reminded of Orwell's character Winston Smith who in the book “1984” spends his days at the Ministry of Truth "rectifying" historical records to conform to Big Brother's most recent pronouncements. Once Big Brother had pushed a person or event over the threshold to oblivion a new reality had to be created to fill the void. It is becoming very clear to me that we will soon need to do that here, in America.

The United States will soon need new statues, flags and monuments to commemorate a new and improved American history, which, of course, began in Selma, Alabama in 1965. Wanting ever so much to fit into this social justice utopia, I would like to submit some helpful rules for creating the statues and monuments of the future. Who knows? Once Trump has been removed from office and the Democratic Socialists take over, my rules may be adopted by the new United States Social Justice Department and I will thereby be spared time in a reeducation camp. So here they are:

The creation of a new statue should first cause no offense to anyone. No person, organization, political party, racial group, religion, or gender identity can in any way be offended, triggered, or inconvenienced by the proposed monument. This rule must be strictly adhered to with only the following exceptions: Christians, White People (particularly Men), Males (particularly White), Republicans, Conservatives, Gun Owners, One Percenters, People Employed on Wall Street, and Trump Supporters.

All statues must celebrate the inclusivity of our modern, diverse culture and therefore depict members of the following groups: Black People, Muslims, Native Americans, other People of Color, Poor People, people with Nonconforming Gender Identities, Oppressed Women, Abortionists, Homeless People, Democrats (even Woodrow Wilson), Progressives, Communists, Democratic Socialists, members of the #MeToo movement and ANTIFA.

Universally acceptable subjects for statues shall include: Barack Obama, LBJ, FDR, JFK, and any member of the Kennedy family, Al Sharpton , Jesse Jackson, Barack Obama, Rachel Donezal, Sean King, Margaret Sanger, Hillary Clinton, Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama, Gloria Allred, Maxine Waters, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, Amy Schumer, Any Native American including Elizabeth Warren, Martin Luther King, Barack Obama, John McCain, Wolf Blitzer, Joe and Mika, Joy Behar, Chris Cuomo, Don Lemon and any other member of the Progressive Intellectual Class.

Under no circumstance can any monument depict any person or event related to the Civil War. This pertains specifically to Confederate Generals, White Horses, and Confederate Generals riding White Horses, Jefferson Davis, Stonewall Jackson, Nathan Bedford Forrest, and above all, Robert E. Lee.

Anything concerning the Founding Fathers is completely unacceptable because they were all cisgender, racist, misogynistic, homophobic, white males that used their toxic masculinity to spread evil capitalistic oppression over this once innocent land.

The United States Constitution will require no monument because it is a living, breathing document that is constantly changing to conform to the perceptions, dogma, ideals, and whims of activist members of the Judiciary, and therefore can never be cast in stone.

Whenever possible replace the words Untied States of America or letters USA with Fundamentally Transformed United States or FTUS. This is far less triggering for those who can still remember the pure despair of living in this horrific nation prior to November 4, 2008.

Materials for construction must remain environmentally noninvasive under the consent of the Environmental Protection Agency such as but not limited to: hemp, recycled sea trash, recycled history textbooks, recycled firearms, recycled Republicans. Use of materials that easily disintegrate is also encouraged to ensure that monuments last less than one decade. This way, all statues can be recreated to match the doctrine specified by the next period of progressive enlightenment.

Well there you have it. I hope I have been of help to all of you snowflakes and social justice warriors as you sally forth into this brave new world that you are creating. Please know that I will be sitting on the sidelines in my MAGA hat rooting against you every step of the way. God Bless America.

Ed Ayers