Buddy Walker's Swamp Creature Of The Week: Pedantus rodenti


Commonly known as the Lecturing Swamp Rat

Pedantus rodenti is a professorial looking rodent best known for its constant pedantic lecturing. Spending its formative years in the Ivy League Halls of Harvard Law, the Lecturing Swamp Rat quickly migrates to the legislative bureaucracy of the DC Swamp. Here it spends its life thriving on a steady diet of power grown from government spending programs that it builds with the intensity of a hyperkinetic beaver.

Characteristic of the Lecturing Swamp Rat's pompously pedantic presentations is a tone of condescension so strong that it surpasses the arrogance of even the most patronizing elitists of academia. While swelling itself up to appear twice its actual size, Pedantus rodenti assumes a posture of both moral and intellectual superiority so extreme that it can "guilt" its audience to think, act, or feel a certain way. Scientists refer to this behavior as Bloviating.

It is in this state of Bloviating that the Lecturing Swamp Rat is able to hypnotize its prey. Those who listen long enough are lured into a feeling of helplessness and come to believe that voting for this swamp creature and its vast government programs is necessary to solve all of their problems. Scientists refer to these people as New Yorkers, and they are the reason Pedantus rodenti is allowed to continually return to the DC Swamp.

If long enough denied the opportunity for Bloviating, The Lecturing Swamp Rat will seek the floor of the Senate and begin lecturing about any topic currently being discussed. This incessant prattle will often continue even if no one is listening. It has also been known to roam the DC park system where it will deliver lectures to the national monuments. Lincoln, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Martin Luther King have all been posthumously admonished for perceived failures on immigration, transgender rights and the environment. These events are known to scientists as Monumental Bloviations.

Trapping this species is fairly easy. One needs only to hide in a prominent area of the Washington swamp and quietly wait. The Lecturing Swamp Rat will soon come swimming by in search of anyone to whom it may deliver one of its patently pedantic and condescending lectures. Once it's spotted, one needs only to display a camera or microphone to which the Lecturing Swamp Rat will immediately and uncontrollably be drawn. While approaching any electronic recording device Pedantus rodenti will begin preening in preparation to deliver yet another lecture, it is here that is most easily trapped.

Beware! A trapped Lecturing Swamp Rat can be very dangerous. Its Bloviations will become quite aggressive and dramatic. It will begin to wag its finger and describe your actions as "extreme", "draconian", "dangerously irresponsible" or even "racist". These words have magic power in the DC Swamp and prolonged exposure may cause you sudden dizziness and self-doubt.

In this aggravated state Pedantus rodenti will often lecture in opposition to things it has previously supported, such as illegal immigration, the national debt, infrastructure spending and whether or not Jeff Sessions should be publicly executed. Scientists refer to this behavior as Hypocrisy and believe that it stems from the creature's complete lack of integrity or character.

Recent experiments by the Trump administration have found that humor can at least temporarily neutralize the Lecturing Swamp Rat, but in each case its pedantic, condescending lectures have begun again. Pedantus rodenti should be considered a dangerous invasive species and humanely removed from Washington. Lectures following that should be most entertaining.

Buddy Walker
buddysays.net