Buddy Walker's Swamp Creature Of The Week: Pelosis dingbatus

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Also known as the "Popeyed Dingbat"

Pelosis dingbatus can be an extremely entertaining species to observe in its natural habitat. Each day political ornithologists flock to Washington with hopes of seeing the Popeyed Dingbat as it flits around the DC Swamp looking for places where it can land and make one of its comically idiotic proclamations.

Not known for its intellectual agility, this creature is also devoid of both logic and integrity. It holds allegiance only to its swamp-based ideology, thus causing it to flap aimlessly around in quickly changing directions until it bounces off of something that requires it to speak. When this occurs, it will spontaneously string together any thoughts it can gather to support its whimsical distortions of reality. It then delivers these mindless proclamations with the condescending style of an aging schoolmarm. Put this together with a face that looks like it will soon forcefully eject both eyes and one can easily see why this species gets so much attention. Everyone knows that when the Popeyed Dingbat lands near a podium, laughter and entertainment cannot be far away.

Hilarity ensues when Pelosis dingbatus swoops down to a stump to declare that "The Constitution does not say that a person can yell wolf in a crowded theater", or "Every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, 500 million Americans lose their jobs" or that extending unemployment benefits is "one of the best ways to grow the economy. " Claiming to be a speaker for the dead, the Popeyed Dingbat will channel the spirits of women's rights activists during speeches and has twice claimed to be sharing her chair with Susan B. Anthony. The madcap fun never stops.

Funnier still, the Popeyed Dingbat will often forget the names of those it is railing against. Calling President Trump "President Bush", and Mitch McConnell "whatshisname, the one who's the head of the Senate" (the later mistake can be easily forgiven). On other occasions, Pelosis dingbatus is also known to lose its run-away train of thought completely and stammer its way into a complete verbal breakdown. Scientists refer to these episodes as Sad.

Thought to subsist on a diet of obfuscation and hyperbole, this creature's eating habits still remain a mystery. Because, in its own words, "I will have to pass my lunch in order to see what's in it," the scientific community has to date chosen not to pursue the issue any further.

Buddy Walker
buddysays.net

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