Hard Biting News #1

Hard Biting News #1
The Premier

Herb: I’m Herb Leeker, your Hard Biting News reporter. Today, I’m outside the world headquarters of Flarmy International Dust Corporation. With me is Chairman of the Board, Myles Flarmy, who has consented to an interview. Cough. Cough. Welcome to Hard Biting News, Mr. Flarmy.

Flarmy: Thank you, Herb, and welcome to the world headquarters of Flarmy International Dust, where we like to say “If your dust isn’t Flarmy, it just isn’t dust!” Cough. Cough.

Herb: Mr. Flarmy, cough, cough, I’m a reporter. And as a reporter, I have an obligation to ask a lot of tough questions. That’s what I do on Hard Biting News. Cough.

Flarmy: Of course. That’s your job. Just like here at Flarmy International Dust Corporation. We make all grades of industrial and residential dust. That’s our job. At Flarmy International, we always say “Dust is our primary business.” Cough.

Herb: But, I’m not like a lot of reporters. I don’t think it’s fair to ambush people with a lot of tricky questions. That’s not the way we do things on Hard Biting News. Cough. Cough.

Flarmy: Thank you for your reassuring words. Cough.

Herb: I graduated from one the finest journalism schools in the country. Cough.

Flarmy: I never got past the eighth grade myself. I went into the family business. Cough. Worked my way up from Dust Collector Grade B to Chairman of the Board. Cough. My father, Peter Flarmy, started this business about forty years ago. Cough.

Herb: At school, I was taught that a good reporter always prepares before an interview.

Flarmy: I see. Cough.

Herb: I don’t go in for sensationalism. Just hard facts. I don’t work for a tabloid. I’m with a respectable news organization. Cough, cough.

Flarmy: Cough. Cough.

Herb: I’m just trying to warn you before we start. Cough.

Flarmy: I appreciate it. That shows integrity. Just like the warning labels we put on all of our packaging. That’s why we are able to say “Flarmy – The dust with Integrity.” Cough.

Herb: A lot of people are upset with your company. They don’t like the fact that your factory is continuously dumping dust into the air. Would you care comment?

Flarmy: What those bleeding hearts don’t understand is that we have important work to do around here. We have output contracts and lawyers, and the whole nine yards. We can’t shut down just because of a few unhappy people out there. We would be ruined financially. Cough. Cough.

Herb: But, the dust is so thick you can hardly see, or breathe, for that matter. Cough. Cough. Cough.

Flarmy: I’m glad you mentioned that, Mr. Leeker. Flarmy International is the acknowledged leader in dust technology. We’ve invested millions in research and development. Our equipment is the most modern in the business. We’re way ahead of the competition. Cough. We strive hard because we don’t want to be just another dust company. We take pride in what we do. That’s why our motto is “Flarmy – Our dust is state-of-the-art!” Cough.

Herb: Cough. But, aren’t you concerned about what your dust is doing to the environment? Cough.

Flarmy: Of course, we’re concerned. Our dust is thoroughly tested before we release it. We are constantly monitoring its quality. It would be irresponsible to do anything less. In fact, our dust is so clean you can eat off it. At Flarmy, we like to think of ourselves as “the Clean Dust people.” Cough, cough. Cough.

Herb: But, your company is being sued by the Environmental Protection Agency and numerous individuals for the damage you’re doing. Cough.

Flarmy: Yes, we’ve got a few of those lawsuits on our hands. But not one of them has charged that we failed to live up to our product warranty. Every Flarmy product comes with a 90 day money-back guarantee. Just return the unused portion and we will cheerfully refund your money. Some restrictions apply. At Flarmy, “The Consumer is our best customer!” Cough.

Herb: We only have another minute of so. Would you answer one last question? Cough.

Flarmy: Shoot.

Herb: What is your company’s position about the two hundred or so protesters picketing at your gate? Cough.

Flarmy: Well, we hired some private security guards a while back. But, they weren’t too effective in dealing with them, and the attorneys’ fees got too high. And then we got some bad p.r. because of the attack dog incidents. The protests didn’t stop, so we decided to just leave them alone. We found that they usually collapse from lack of oxygen all by themselves, after they’ve been out there for 15 or 20 minutes. So, the ambulances come and take them away and they don’t really interrupt the work flow very much. Cough, cough, cough. I’ve got to go inside now. Cough. Cough. Cough cough. Goodbye. Cough cough cough. Cough cough…

Herb: Well, there you have it. Thank you, Mr. Myles Flarmy, Chairman of the Board of Flarmy International Dust Corporation. For Channel 6, this has been Herb Leeker with Hard Biting News. Back to News Central. Cough cough cough cough cough.