What happened to Lainey? **Disclaimer: This post will directly talk about suicide, and even though this is a sensitive subject, it needs to be addressed. Also, this post will be from my (Lainey’s sister) view of things and what I remember of the night of April 17, 2019. I began my shift at my second job for the day at 5:30 at a local Italian restaurant. I’ve worked there on and off since I was 18. I was scheduled for a shorter shift as I was just running register and taking to go orders. I was so excited to be getting off at 8:30 for the night as that meant I got to be home before 10:30 and would actually get to see my mom and sister and have a conversation with them. I always missed them because they would be in bed when I got home and they would be gone in the morning by the time I got up for my classes. This was our life, but I always knew Lainey was asleep and safe in her room when I came home. At 7:14, just a little more than an hour before I was supposed to get off, I see my phone light up and my mom was calling me. Obviously, I couldn’t answer because I’m working. It wasn’t abnormal for momma to forget what nights I worked and what nights I didn’t. I’d always text her as soon as I could and remind her. Before I had the chance to pick up my phone and remind her that I was at work, the phone at work rings. Nothing abnormal. We get an outrageous amount of to go orders and I never look at the caller ID. I was getting a line at the register right then and I was trying to make out what was going on on the other end of the phone. All I could make out was “Haley.” I said “This is Haley...” and by that time I realized it was my mom, in a sheer panic and my heart sunk. I said “Calm down... what’s wrong?” The next words out of my mom’s mouth scared the hell out of me... “Please hurry. Come home. Lainey shot herself.” Lainey. Shot. Herself... Lainey. Shot. Herself... Lainey. Shot. Herself... What did I just hear? My heart was in my stomach... I threw the phone at my boss said “I’ve got to go. Lainey is hurt,” grabbed my pocket book, my phone, and the clothes that I had changed out of from my other job, and ran. I was going 55 mph out of the parking lot. I turned my emergency flashers on and, for lack of better words, hauled ass. I live 20 minutes away from work... I was home in 10. I looked down and was going 110 mph at one point and I still didn’t feel like I was going fast enough. I remember thinking “If I pass a cop, they are just going to have to follow me... I’m not stopping.” Then I thought for a moment. “Why am I going to my house? I should be going to the hospital...” I turned on our road and saw police cars everywhere. Ambulances everywhere. People everywhere. Crime scene tape... everywhere. It began to sink in. I slammed my car into park and ran for my house. I don’t even remember cutting my car off. I ran up and ran under the tape yelling “I’m her sister. I’ve got to see her.” A cop tried to stop me and then Randy, my step-dad, come running around the corner. I had panic in my eyes, I know I did. I had panic through my body. “Randy, I’ve got to see her. Where is she?” Randy’s next three words changed my life forever... “She’s gone suga.” She’s. Gone... She’s. Gone... She’s. Gone... “What do you mean she’s gone?” I yelled. Randy replied, “She didn’t make it...” My sister. My person. My world. She’s gone. I collapsed to the ground in tears and the next few hours were a blur... So many people came and went. So many tears were cried. So many questions were asked. So many things ran through my head. I remember staring into her window from the backyard and seeing flashlights and bodies moving. I knew what they were doing and it made my stomach turn. So many images ran through my head. I wasn’t able to go inside the house... I didn’t even see my sister that day. They left for school while I was in my room getting dressed. I didn’t get to hug her one last time... My mom had walked into my sister laying in the floor, lifeless. She called 911 and everyone she could all while trying all of the medical training she had learned over the years on her, trying to save her... trying to bring her back. I didn’t see this Lainey, the one laying lifeless in her room, but the image my mind has painted of the scene haunts me daily. How my sister felt in that moment absolutely shatters my heart into a million and one pieces constantly. I, along with the rest of my family, have so many unanswered questions... Why? What happened at school that day? Why didn’t you call us? Why didn’t you just talk to us? Why didn’t you feel as though there was no other way? We love you, we care for you, we want you here. We will protect you, we will help you, we will do everything in our power for you. But we weren’t given that chance. One thing I loved and admired about Lainey was her strong will and determination. She did and could do any and everything she set her mind to. Even taking her own life... because she was tortured. Tortured at school, tortured through social media, and tortured in her own mind of things that were said to her. These things constantly replayed in her head and sometimes she would open up about them. We did everything we knew, but somehow it just wasn’t enough. Lainey knew what she wanted. That was peace, and I know she has found it and she has found a love like no other with God. But the Lord also knows, our whole entire family would have continued to do everything in our power to keep her here and show her just how much we love her and want her here with us. Even the Lord would have wanted her to choose life in that situation... but I know He is grateful to have her home and around His almighty throne. I’m just jealous of the angels... Until we meet again, my sweet Lainey Bug ?